The truth behind tears

Children are the sum of what their mothers contribute to their lives – Author unknown

Every time I come home from doing the groceries I am filled with an inspiration and rage that makes me want to change the world. I almost always manage to witness some form of child abuse in the supermarket, it’s the place for it; where parents have their resources split between a shopping trolley with wheels that spin the wrong way and children who want every colourful, shiny delight they can see and feverishly claw at the shelves and their parents patience in order to obtain said delights. I suppose when your money is cut in half, you find out how rich you really were in the first place. And the people in my neighbourhood, they’re flat broke. I have seen the tears of children of all ages, ignored, trivialised, mocked and slapped out of them by parents who obviously don’t know any better and it breaks my heart every time. 

Did you know that children are actually people, too? Allow me to explain…
Imagine, if you will, that you felt sad or disappointed about something and, as is natural, began to cry – all whilst in the company of the person whom you deemed to love you the most in the world, and whom you loved the most, without question. Then, all of a sudden as your tears began to fall, you were hit, laughed or yelled at, mocked or just plain ignored by your beloved. What kind of feelings would this ignite in you? Perhaps rage, rejection, more sadness, fear, confusion, loneliness, hopelessness and powerlessness, just to name a few.  Luckily for us, as adults in polite society, we are seldom treated in this manner. I, for one, wouldn’t dream of slapping one of my girlfriends in the face if she came to me in tears because her boyfriend was acting up, even though her adult sized brain harboured mature emotional regulatory mechanisms and an intelligence that she had had tens of years to develop… So why, the flying fuck, is this an acceptable way to treat a child whom has a tiny, child sized brain that does not have the capacity, nor capability, to efficiently regulate emotional responses or self soothe, or to go and find someone else who might actually respond appropriately to their need for guidance and love?

Think of a child’s brain in the same way you would a geriatrics body. An older adult is not punished for their inability to run triathlons, so why are children punished for their brains inability to function beyond what is developmentally and age appropriate? I must emphasise, children are people, they are not simply small adults. If you think about it, we have to be created small, to fit inside our mothers’ bodies so that we may be born into this world and continue as a species. Thus, to allow for our size at birth, we only pack the essentials. I suppose whomever/whatever created us assumed that our hearts would need to beat independently from birth, our lungs would need to expand, but gap in our intellect would be filled by our adoring mothers until we were big enough to fit the rest of that “stuff” (that isn’t essential to primitive survival) inside our heads.

I am in no way suggesting that you buy the packet of skittles so that you don’t “have to” punish your child for their protest. It is your job as a parent to teach right from wrong, set limits and be the voice of reason. What I am suggesting, however, is that we treat our children with the respect they deserve and be mindful of their maturity level, what they are capable of understanding and remember that “when you’re little, it’s all big stuff” So, of course, say “No” to the Mars Bar, but don’t disregard the tears that follow because they are as real and as pain laden as any you or I may cry over our own adult-sized problems. Instead, please, for the love of god, and your child’s growing brain that doesn’t need to be pumped with excess amounts of cortisol that will warp and scar its fragile tissues permanently, validate how your child is feeling. Let them know that you hear them, their cries do not fall on deaf ears and that they are worthy of respect “I know you want that [sugar-ridden-additive-filled-poison] but you can’t have it today, and I know that makes you sad. It’s hard when you can’t have things that you want, isn’t it?” It may not stop the tears immediately, and people may stare in the meantime, but rest assured that your baby will know in that moment that you are worthy of their undying love for you, and that you hear them when they speak, that their tiny souls bear weight in this world and that, above all, and if nothing else, you love them back. Even if you think they are too young to understand exactly what you are saying, they will understand from your gentle tone, your eye contact, your body language, closeness,  cuddles and your presence that you are with them in their turmoil, they are being heard, and they are not alone.

I know, I know, I can already hear you thinking it “But, s/he is trying to manipulate me!”  Valid point indeed. However, there is a big, important difference between someone trying to manipulate you, and actually being manipulated. Firstly, I have discovered, throughout my research into crying, tears and tantrums that a child does not even have the intellect to purposefully “manipulate” until the age of 3 years (that’s peer reviewed research, not parental opinion). Secondly, one should consider the fact that children, with their immature emotional regulatory mechanisms, are actually trying to have their voices heard in the only way they have been granted – albeit ‘primitively’ kicking, screaming, planking etc (the aforementioned being the rationale behind many an escalation when metaphoric socks are put in it by embarrassed, often well meaning, and ill knowing parents). Eventually, what the child learns from being ignored (via smacking, lack of acknowledgement or yelling) is that there is no point in protesting, as they are weightless, powerless and unworthy of having their voices heard, especially when it matters to them the most (bearing in mind that not being able to have a packet of skittles at the supermarket should be the at the peak of a child’s life-issues curve).

 It’s important to remember that seeing your child unhappy as a parent is painful – but be careful not to assume that the pain you feel is a result of your child’s intention. Long story short; you feel pain seeing your baby upset. This pain usually manifests as anger of frustration, your brain’s express way of saying “stop making me feel bad I don’t like it!” So, you assume that your baby was trying to make you upset so that you will change your mind, they will stop crying and neither of you will be upset anymore. Is it at all possible that yes, seeing your child upset does cause you pain, but whether or not you allow that pain to change your mind is entirely your decision. The child has not been conniving or scheming about it and they are being open and honest about exactly what they want, and exactly how they feel about it, in the best way they know how. It would also be worthwhile mentioning that even if your child does have the super power of emotional blackmail and manipulation; it is your prerogative as a parent to ensure that they come to understand that these methods will not have the desired effect on you as you respond with empathy and grace.

It breaks my heart to see how many people still believe ‘tough love’ to be not only an acceptable way to raise children, but wear this philosophy with pride like a badge of honour from the school of life. Tough love was invented for people suffering drug and alcohol addiction, not for tiny, innocent little souls who are just trying to find their way in this world. When your parents, the people who are supposed to love you the most, with whom you form your first human relationships, the blueprint on which you base all of your future human interaction, treat you with disrespect, hit you, ignore you, abuse and neglect you, is it any wonder that we find ourselves living in a day and age of divorce, domestic violence and rampant mental illness? Treating your children with empathy and respect does not teach them anything but how to be respectful and empathetic. What do you think will happen when your child sees another fall down and cry in the playground? Children who are shown empathy and respect will offer help and support, as this is all they have ever known. Children who laugh, tease or do nothing at all are likely to be the kids from my local supermarket.