Confessions of a human being

I do maintain that mothering and all that entails, is my job, my occupation, my bread and butter and I love it. But don’t assume that in this case “pleasure in the job equals perfection in the work” because it’s absolutely impossible to be perfect as a mother, or as a human being, for that matter. Yes, I bake these muffins, cakes and other creations on a weekly basis. But that is just one snapshot of an entire week that is filled with mess, mistakes and mayhem. I suppose I just want everyone out there, especially the new mothers, to know that such a keen focus on health and nutrition doesn’t mean that this is another perfect element of my perfect life. While I’m baking muffins, the dishes lay dirty in the sink. While I’m researching gentle parenting methods, my dirty washing pile grows higher. And, while I’m on my hands and knees, pretending to be a crocodile and crawling after my hysterically giggling baby girl, somewhere, in the distance, there is a mouldy bathroom wall that isn’t being scrubbed. So, please, don’t think for a second that clean eating and natural parenting are “added extras” that only the brave can tackle on top of everything else.
What it comes down to is a shift in priorities. I do these things ‘instead-of’, rather than ‘as-well-as’. And, even still I find myself grappling with what looks good in a picture and what really matters. Because I KNOW what is right, but I can’t even be perfect with my imperfection. God knows, I long to be that woman who can let go of her inhibitions and invite friends over to a sink full of dishes, sticky floors and be confident that my worth is not measured by how clean my house is. I can talk the talk, alright. I can tell you that what matters is that my daughter is nourished from the inside out, emotionally and physically. I can tell you that my partner comes home to a happy family who aren’t warped under the weight of the pressure of struggling to be super human and cram in play, and good food and love in between the vacuum and the dish cloth.  And, I can tell you that friends who would come to your house and judge you on its cleanliness alone are not true friends, so you should just let go and live and be and do the best you can. I can say the words, of course I can. But you will still find me before we have guests over, tidying and huffing around in a state of panic and disillusionment about what the word ‘friend’ means in the first place.
Before I became ‘Mum’, I worked as a psychiatric nurse. It was part of my job to assist my patients in carrying out tasks set by their psychiatrists and psychologists. One such task was called ‘shame attacking’ – whereby patients can build their self-esteem and relinquish irrational feelings of shame by running straight at it, so to speak. For example, one might feel that they can’t join in a conversation because they believe that they don’t have anything worthy of contributing, no one would want to hear what they have to say or want to listen to them. And so, the therapist would set them the task of contributing a relevant personal experience to the therapy group so that they can confront their fears head-on and perhaps realise that they were, indeed, unfounded.
It’s funny, because even though I have all of this knowledge in my head about how to change my thinking when it becomes distorted, I still struggle to put it into practice. I log onto Instagram and see this band of mothers who post their “Outfit of the day (#ootd)” in full make-up  as they are headed out the door to shop, or lunch or work. And I think to myself, what the hell is wrong with me? Some days I don’t even get out of my pyjamas, can’t even fathom the thought of leaving the house and, with a teething, squirmy and curious one year old, I certainly don’t “lunch”! I ask myself why they can do it, and I can’t. I feel as though I'm not making enough of an effort, I feel as though I am somehow defective because I just can’t seem to keep a clean house, happy baby, with gourmet meals on the table all in a perfectly chosen, ironed outfit and a full face of make-up.  And then I remember that people lie. They show us only the parts of their lives that are aesthetically beautiful and we make the assumption that this represents them in their entirety. The other women at mothers group smile at their newborns, don’t get frustrated when they cry, are wearing clothes without spew on them and boast about they are loving every sleepless minute. And it’s because in a world full of media who portray new motherhood to be moment after endless moment of slow motioned, soft focussed bliss, we confuse these stories with reality. So, if we aren't always enjoying it, if we just want one moment of peace, if we didn't realise how hard it would be, if we feel a startling rage bubbling up inside of us when its 4 am and we haven’t slept in 36 hours – then we are bad mothers, unworthy mothers and unlovable human beings. Bullshit.
And so, in my efforts to quash this bullshit façade that seems to be floating around in mothering communities of all kinds, I’d like to share some shame with you. I'm giving it away to you, in the hope that you can then pass it along to someone else and the cycle will continue so that we can all be a little lighter, a little more human and a little more real at the end of the day. Our lives as mothers could be so much easier if only we allowed ourselves and each other to be human as messy, "ugly" or confronting as it may be.
The disclosure is that a messy house does not make me a bad mother, bad partner, or bad human being – it makes me a human who is doing my best, trying my hardest to give my daughter a happy, magical and healthy childhood and prioritising my life sensibly, and you know what? I think that’s good enough.

Part of my Kitchen, in its natural state. 

(Baby) Food for thought

             

As a first time mum of a 4 month old, I questioned myself, my abilities and my instincts, constantly. Sometimes things just didn’t feel right for no other reason but my intuition telling me so. But I was terrified to trust myself. I didn’t want to take the chance of making the wrong decision based on “a funny feeling” and end up being responsible for “doing it wrong”. It was much easier to seek and take advice. So instead of daring to carve my own path in this seemingly perfect earth, I found myself continuously following well-meaning advisors down the rabbit hole into what I hoped would only be Wonderland. But it wasn’t wonderland. It was never wonderland. Not even once, and starting Evie on solids was no exception to this rule.
After a solid (mind the pun) month or so of furious and continuous breast feeding, sleepless days, restlessness and hourly feeds overnight, pumping, topping up and tearing my hair out in bloody clumps (I exaggerate), I turned to my support network for answers and the general consensus was:  “she’s hungry”.  Surely not? She was only 4 months old! Everything I had read stressed the benefits of waiting until babies are 6 months before starting solids, and the damage that can ensue if this caution was not heeded.  It felt wrong. The idea of starting my baby on solids ‘early’ sat heavy on my chest in a way that I would liken to a feeling of guilt. But what did I know? I was a novice and I was delirious with lack of sleep. Maybe I was blinded by the need to do everything by the natural parenting bible? I decided that I couldn’t live with the thought of my daughter possibly being hungry because I refused to supplement her breast milk based only on my minimal experience and anxiousness. So after a few days of agonising over the decision and discussing it with Papa Bear, I expressed some milk, blended it with avocado, sat my tiny daughter in her bumbo on the kitchen table (she was still too little to balance in a high chair) and spooned this mixture into her confused but trusting little mouth. And it didn’t change a thing. She wasn’t hungry. I realised months later that she was actually tired and trying to put herself to sleep by comfort sucking, hence the constant “feeding”, irritability and wakefulness. But that’s another story for another time (blog).
Do I regret going against my instincts and starting my baby on solids earlier than I should have? No. Although it didn’t change anything about the situation that we were in, it taught me that I probably know more than I give myself credit form and I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. It is through experience, both good and bad, but particularly bad, that we learn and grow and move forward in this life. But, I digress.  The point im heading toward here is that our journey to and through solid food hasn’t been an easy one from the beginning. It has, however, landed me in a place where I now feel confident and competent making and feeding Evie because many mistakes, means many lessons learned, and here are some of them:

Plastic bad, glass good
It seems every baby aisle in every store that we walk into as parents is plastered with “BPA free!” advertising. BPA, or Bisephenol-A, is an estrogenic chemical that leaches into food from plastics, particularly when heat is applied. If you know a little bit about pathophysiology, you may know that estrogenic chemicals (chemicals that mimic estrogen in the body) can cause any number of diseases from cancer, through to developmental abnormalities (particularly of the sexual organs) and infertility.
Whilst it’s great that all of the plastic producers have cottoned on to the fact that we know BPA is bad for us and will stop us from buying their product, what’s not so great is that the focus on BPA directs attention away from all of the other estrogenic chemicals that still remain in the plastics we consume (studies have shown that 95% of plastics still contain estrogenic chemicals that can and will leach into our foods during use). It seems that BPA is the ‘sacrificial lamb’, if you will, thrown under the bus so that the others may continue to be sold to us with a false innocence.
Estrogenic chemicals will begin to leach out of plastics particularly when heat is applied, that is in the dishwasher, microwave or even over a pot of simmering water. That’s why it is very important that if you do use plastics when feeding your children, and yourself, for that matter, (for cold foods, dry foods or spoons etc) they are washed by hand and not placed in the dishwasher where extreme water temperature and harsh chemicals with denature the plastic and bleed chemicals into whatever they may come into contact with thereafter. It is also important to avoid the use of microwavable plastics to heat food (use glass, instead) as once again the extreme temperature and radiation will cause the plastics to begin leaching (if they aren’t already).
Also of concern are disposable plastics (water bottles and ‘take and toss’ containers)  that are not intended to be used more than once – these do not have to meet the same standards as multiple-use plastics. As such, they develop miro-cracks through which chemicals leach very easily – hot or not.
We heat all of Evie’s food using two glass bowls, one filled with hot water, then placed underneath another with whatever food I am preparing to heat. It does require a little more planning ahead to get food ready on time, and it can be frustrating waiting for food to warm up whilst you have a baby who is grizzly and impatiently waiting for their dinner, but the benefits far outweigh the price for this method. If our children are born perfect and healthy into this world, we have a responsibility to keep them that way, even if it means that dinner is a little late sometimes.
When I talk of heating food, it is also important to mention heating of formula and/or expressed breast milk. The same rules apply. There are quite a few brands of glass bottles available and it would be well worth the effort to seek them out. It is here, however, that I will make a confession: I am human and I’m my desperate attempts to get Evie to take a bottle of expressed breast milk, I tried every brand, teat and shape known to mankind – even those made of plastic. I had convinced myself that if only I could get her used to the idea of a bottle, then I could switch back over to glass once the first hurdle had been jumped. It never did happen, however, because to this day she still refuses a bottle of any kind. Cest la vie.

Rice cereal is bullshit
Do you really think that rice cereal is what nature intended to be babies first food? Do you honestly believe that once upon a time our foremothers noticed their babies were still crying in hunger after being breast fed so they leisurely went and picked some rice grains, started a fire, boiled up the rice, waited for it to cool, mashed it up with rocks and then finally fed it to their still-screaming, and now suffering, babies? Of course not. They would have instinctively sought to ease their babies hunger as quickly and easily as possible, and in a way that met their increased nutritional demands. They would have grabbed a piece of soft fruit, made it into mush with their teeth and promptly fed it straight to their waiting babies then and there. Not to mention the fact that rice cereal legally has to be iron-fortified as it doesn’t contain enough nutrition in its natural state to meet babies increased demands for nutrients. Do you think that our foremothers had access to iron-fortified grains? Babies don’t even produce the enzymes that break down grains until they get their molars in. Not many 6 month olds have their molars now, do they?

Baby led weaning
I know baby led weaning is all the rage on the natural parenting scene, but it didn’t work for us. I do like some of the concepts behind baby led weaning, that babies are encouraged to play with their foods, explore the textures and pick at their parents foods at will in order to explore and develop their pallets. However, babies all develop teeth and the ability to chew at various times. Thus, when I would give Evie ‘spears of vegetables such as broccoli’ (as recommended by a baby led weaning web page) she had no idea what to do with them. She would bite into them initially, but with only her four front teeth, she was unable to grind the food into a swallowable consistency.  It is important to note here that anthropologists suggest that in hunter gatherer societies, mothers would pre chew their babies foods for them and feed via ‘kiss feeding’ (similar to how a mother bird feeds her baby, only without the vomit). This method of feeding had many benefits for babies because the enzymes in their mothers saliva would begin the digestive process for them. In modern society it could be suggested that we premasticate our babies food by cooking and blending it – and research actually suggests that babies benefit most from beginning their solids journey on cooked foods rather than raw (some enzymes are broken down somewhat by the cooking process, thus digestion is easier).

Portion sizes
At one point in time, I became fixated on the amount of food that Evie was, or was not, eating. I think in the back of my mind I had convinced myself that “if only she would just have a few more mouthfuls, she will sleep through the night” and “If she doesn’t eat this, she’s going to start losing weight!” And then I discovered the beautiful, painless truth: babies under one year (especially breast fed babies) only need to eat as much as they will eat, and every baby is different. A meal for one 10 month old may be a whole bowl and the same meal for another 10 month old may be 2 teaspoons. Babies should never be forced to eat, bribed to eat or punished for not eating an amount set by anyone but themselves. Babies are much more attuned to their sense of hunger than we, as adults who can suppress the discomfort of overeating for the sake of taste, pleasure and emotional comfort, are. Forcing babies to eat more than they are willing will only create negative associations with food and a whole lot of unnecessary stress and heart ache for everyone involved.

Jars, pouches & cans There are many additive free, sugar free, organic baby foods available in super markets today, which is great if you are in a rush, travelling, unwell, living in a third world country, or otherwise physically unable to make your baby fresh food at home for a short period of time. However, don’t be fooled. How healthy do you honestly think meat and vegetables that are able to sit at room temperature for months on end can really be? Pre-packaged organic and/or additive/preservative free baby foods are made ‘sterile’ using intense heat to kill any and all bacteria, then sealed air tight to prevent oxidation. The problem with using intense heat to kill bacteria is that it also greatly diminishes the nutritional value of the food. Enzymes are destroyed by intense heat, as are delicate nutrients such as vitamin C. I’m not suggesting that your babies will get no nutrition whatsoever from packaged foods, but they are not getting nearly as much as they would be if the food they were eating was fresh. Furthermore, making baby food at home gets your baby used to the kinds of foods and flavours that your family eats *assuming you are stewing and puréeing fruits and veggies that you have in the house already, which will hold you in great stead when everybody is finally eating from the same pot!

After starting Evie on solids, my next hurdle was what, on God’s green earth, to make for her. It has been a long and winding road figuring this one out, let me assure you. But I got there in the end. So I will leave you with one of the recipes that is her favourite for lunch or dinner – if you would like to see some more you can visit me on facebook at www.facebook.com/theoriginaloccupation

Sweet potato & Carrot Mash 
1 teaspoon grapeseed oil
1/2 a large sweet potato, diced
1 small carrot, diced
1/8 of a brown onion, diced
3/4 cup water
1 teaspoon fresh oregano, chopped

1. Heat oil in a small fry pan, with lid
2. Add onion and carrot and cook until soft (about 5 minutes)
3. Add sweet potato and water, bring to the boil
4. Reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for approximately 10 minutes (until potato is soft)
5. Add oregano - blend and serve

The truth behind tears

Children are the sum of what their mothers contribute to their lives – Author unknown

Every time I come home from doing the groceries I am filled with an inspiration and rage that makes me want to change the world. I almost always manage to witness some form of child abuse in the supermarket, it’s the place for it; where parents have their resources split between a shopping trolley with wheels that spin the wrong way and children who want every colourful, shiny delight they can see and feverishly claw at the shelves and their parents patience in order to obtain said delights. I suppose when your money is cut in half, you find out how rich you really were in the first place. And the people in my neighbourhood, they’re flat broke. I have seen the tears of children of all ages, ignored, trivialised, mocked and slapped out of them by parents who obviously don’t know any better and it breaks my heart every time. 

Did you know that children are actually people, too? Allow me to explain…
Imagine, if you will, that you felt sad or disappointed about something and, as is natural, began to cry – all whilst in the company of the person whom you deemed to love you the most in the world, and whom you loved the most, without question. Then, all of a sudden as your tears began to fall, you were hit, laughed or yelled at, mocked or just plain ignored by your beloved. What kind of feelings would this ignite in you? Perhaps rage, rejection, more sadness, fear, confusion, loneliness, hopelessness and powerlessness, just to name a few.  Luckily for us, as adults in polite society, we are seldom treated in this manner. I, for one, wouldn’t dream of slapping one of my girlfriends in the face if she came to me in tears because her boyfriend was acting up, even though her adult sized brain harboured mature emotional regulatory mechanisms and an intelligence that she had had tens of years to develop… So why, the flying fuck, is this an acceptable way to treat a child whom has a tiny, child sized brain that does not have the capacity, nor capability, to efficiently regulate emotional responses or self soothe, or to go and find someone else who might actually respond appropriately to their need for guidance and love?

Think of a child’s brain in the same way you would a geriatrics body. An older adult is not punished for their inability to run triathlons, so why are children punished for their brains inability to function beyond what is developmentally and age appropriate? I must emphasise, children are people, they are not simply small adults. If you think about it, we have to be created small, to fit inside our mothers’ bodies so that we may be born into this world and continue as a species. Thus, to allow for our size at birth, we only pack the essentials. I suppose whomever/whatever created us assumed that our hearts would need to beat independently from birth, our lungs would need to expand, but gap in our intellect would be filled by our adoring mothers until we were big enough to fit the rest of that “stuff” (that isn’t essential to primitive survival) inside our heads.

I am in no way suggesting that you buy the packet of skittles so that you don’t “have to” punish your child for their protest. It is your job as a parent to teach right from wrong, set limits and be the voice of reason. What I am suggesting, however, is that we treat our children with the respect they deserve and be mindful of their maturity level, what they are capable of understanding and remember that “when you’re little, it’s all big stuff” So, of course, say “No” to the Mars Bar, but don’t disregard the tears that follow because they are as real and as pain laden as any you or I may cry over our own adult-sized problems. Instead, please, for the love of god, and your child’s growing brain that doesn’t need to be pumped with excess amounts of cortisol that will warp and scar its fragile tissues permanently, validate how your child is feeling. Let them know that you hear them, their cries do not fall on deaf ears and that they are worthy of respect “I know you want that [sugar-ridden-additive-filled-poison] but you can’t have it today, and I know that makes you sad. It’s hard when you can’t have things that you want, isn’t it?” It may not stop the tears immediately, and people may stare in the meantime, but rest assured that your baby will know in that moment that you are worthy of their undying love for you, and that you hear them when they speak, that their tiny souls bear weight in this world and that, above all, and if nothing else, you love them back. Even if you think they are too young to understand exactly what you are saying, they will understand from your gentle tone, your eye contact, your body language, closeness,  cuddles and your presence that you are with them in their turmoil, they are being heard, and they are not alone.

I know, I know, I can already hear you thinking it “But, s/he is trying to manipulate me!”  Valid point indeed. However, there is a big, important difference between someone trying to manipulate you, and actually being manipulated. Firstly, I have discovered, throughout my research into crying, tears and tantrums that a child does not even have the intellect to purposefully “manipulate” until the age of 3 years (that’s peer reviewed research, not parental opinion). Secondly, one should consider the fact that children, with their immature emotional regulatory mechanisms, are actually trying to have their voices heard in the only way they have been granted – albeit ‘primitively’ kicking, screaming, planking etc (the aforementioned being the rationale behind many an escalation when metaphoric socks are put in it by embarrassed, often well meaning, and ill knowing parents). Eventually, what the child learns from being ignored (via smacking, lack of acknowledgement or yelling) is that there is no point in protesting, as they are weightless, powerless and unworthy of having their voices heard, especially when it matters to them the most (bearing in mind that not being able to have a packet of skittles at the supermarket should be the at the peak of a child’s life-issues curve).

 It’s important to remember that seeing your child unhappy as a parent is painful – but be careful not to assume that the pain you feel is a result of your child’s intention. Long story short; you feel pain seeing your baby upset. This pain usually manifests as anger of frustration, your brain’s express way of saying “stop making me feel bad I don’t like it!” So, you assume that your baby was trying to make you upset so that you will change your mind, they will stop crying and neither of you will be upset anymore. Is it at all possible that yes, seeing your child upset does cause you pain, but whether or not you allow that pain to change your mind is entirely your decision. The child has not been conniving or scheming about it and they are being open and honest about exactly what they want, and exactly how they feel about it, in the best way they know how. It would also be worthwhile mentioning that even if your child does have the super power of emotional blackmail and manipulation; it is your prerogative as a parent to ensure that they come to understand that these methods will not have the desired effect on you as you respond with empathy and grace.

It breaks my heart to see how many people still believe ‘tough love’ to be not only an acceptable way to raise children, but wear this philosophy with pride like a badge of honour from the school of life. Tough love was invented for people suffering drug and alcohol addiction, not for tiny, innocent little souls who are just trying to find their way in this world. When your parents, the people who are supposed to love you the most, with whom you form your first human relationships, the blueprint on which you base all of your future human interaction, treat you with disrespect, hit you, ignore you, abuse and neglect you, is it any wonder that we find ourselves living in a day and age of divorce, domestic violence and rampant mental illness? Treating your children with empathy and respect does not teach them anything but how to be respectful and empathetic. What do you think will happen when your child sees another fall down and cry in the playground? Children who are shown empathy and respect will offer help and support, as this is all they have ever known. Children who laugh, tease or do nothing at all are likely to be the kids from my local supermarket.